This post is a satirical response to a recent article in Biola’s student newspaper which listed "Spring Breakers" and "The Wolf of Wall Street" among the 10 best films of 2013. The style is intended to mimic college journalism.
It all began around 10:00 on Friday evening, when Shcmittendorf and some of his friends decided to rent Spring Breakers and watch the film in their dorm room. “My parents are narrow-minded fundamentalists who don’t care about engaging the culture for Christ,” Shcmittendorf explained, “So I wasn’t allowed to watch these sorts of films growing up.” All that changed, however, when Shcmittendorf came to Biola and was encouraged to “think Biblically about everything.”
Film critics have described Spring Breakers as “a thoroughly detestable piece of gutter trash masquerading as some kind of abstract piece of pop art.” Another critic explained that the movie "objectifies women in just about the most outrageous way I've ever seen, with rarely a few minutes passing between topless scenes.” Shcmittendorf, however, feels that this film is very much worth viewing. “When I watched alcohol being licked off of the young women's naked bodies during the wild debaucheries, I really started to understand the destructive effects of sin,” he explained, wiping away tears from his eyes. Gregory Finklesnitch, his roommate, agrees. “Until I watched the numerous graphic sex scenes, I never really understood that unbridled narcissism and hedonism were bad.”
Shcmittendorf and Finklesnitch are quick to note, however, that the film is certainly not for everyone. “We know some Christians aren’t mature enough to handle this sort of thing,” explained Anthony Bungle, a Bible major down the hall who joined Shcmittendorf and Finklesnitch for the film. “We’re just glad that God has blessed us with spiritual discernment.”
John Durkenmire, Bungle’s roommate, explained how watching naked women for 93 minutes equipped him to bring the message of Jesus Christ to a hurting world. “I really don’t know how I could relate with ordinary people if I didn’t immerse myself in the soft-core porn that they are watching,” he said. “This movie really enabled me to make a difference in our culture for Jesus."
The film was so impactful that the young men of Emerson have decided to follow it up next weekend with
The Wolf of Wall Street, arguably the most sexually explicit film to ever escape an NC-17 rating. “I think we’ll have time to watch it after Singspo,” Shcmittendorf explained, referring to the popular Sunday night worship service in Biola’s gym. Finklesnitch is hopeful that the Spirit will again move powerfully among his friends. “I’m looking forward to seeing how God will use the exploitation of more actresses to conform us to the image of Christ,” he added.