Monday, July 9, 2018

The Gospel According to Luke

Today marks 4 weeks since my beautiful son, Luke, entered the world. In honor of this occasion, here are some snippets of biblical wisdom for new parents. Enjoy!

If thy big toe, when stubbed in the dark, causeth thee to sound, cut it off and cast it from thee. For it is better for thee to enter into bed maimed, rather than having ten toes, to wake up the baby. For his wail is not quenched, and there shall be weeping and gnashing of gums.

How often in one day shall I change my baby’s diaper? Seven times? Nay, I say not unto thee seven times, but rather seventy times seven.

Ye have heard it said, “Sleep while your baby sleeps.” But I say unto you that whosoever shall cease for so much as one microsecond from rocking his sleeping baby hath already awoken that baby. And there shall be weeping and gnashing of gums.

Sell thy possessions and buy a Diaper Genie.

Why beholdest thou the spit-up on thy wife’s shirt, and do not consider the diaper that hath exploded in thine own lap?

It is necessary that the telephone should ring. But woe to the unsolicited telemarketer by whom it rings during the baby’s naptime. It would be better for that man if he had never been born.

Blessed are the grandparents, for they shall be called.